I am Anita.

Everyone with a penis and the pain and hurt they’ve caused girls who care about them, just disappeared off the face of the Earth for brief instances in time. And when they came back, everything was forgotten and everyone was happy again. 

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Going back home was supposed to be a happy time. Seeing you finally, being in your arms, cuddling, kissing, everything….I was so excited for it all.

But in the end I just ended up hurt worse than I ever was before.

We had our fair share of fights, probably more than a normal relationship should…But in the end we always got over it. We were fine within a few minutes. I never expected perfection from us, from our relationship. I know things felt beyond repair at times, we’d break up and go through things no couple ever should but in the end we were always there for each other.

Although, I’ve always felt that I had to push my feelings, my pain, my emotions aside to get us through those tough times. I know that isn’t the best thing to do and I know you don’t see me doing that at all, but believe me…I let go of a lot of things and pushed a lot into the back of my head so as to move on and stop arguing with you.

I think that’s why you still hurt me. I know you don’t always mean to, it’s just you being you. And I don’t say that to be an asshole, I say it because you don’t realize you’re doing it. I apologize for things I feel like I shouldn’t, I beg and plead with you and fight for our relationship 24/7.

I don’t understand why it’s so easy for you to let go, why is it so easy for you to just watch me sobbing and at times, you don’t say or do anything about it? I feel like the past 20 months haven’t meant a thing to you. And it scares the hell outta me to think about that being a possibility because they’ve meant everything to me. Every argument, every tear, every hurtful comment or anything….I don’t even care about it because all the good outweighs the bad for me. 

The trouble is, we both know I’ll be back. You have me stuck in the same ol’ place. Even after everything, the countless times I’ve said “I’m done” or “Leave me alone”, I can’t bring myself to let go of you. There’s still something there worth giving a shot, despite the distance, the fighting, and the lack of affection. I feel like you’re just going through the motions though, I don’t feel like you’re emotionally invested anymore. 

We did have some good times over break but I guess this is one time the good doesn’t outweigh the bad. I’ve never felt more worthless and pathetic than I did Saturday night. I can’t imagine ever doing something like that to you. I’d always put what I wanted to do, any plans I may have had on hold for you…It doesn’t matter that you drove to my house beforehand. I was still sitting right there, in your face, sobbing hysterically….And you just walked away. 

You don’t do that to someone you claim to love.

I seriously can’t believe you did that to me. I would never imagine doing that to you, leaving you when you’re so vulnerable and weak. I tried to act like I was over it within the next few hours, but I wasn’t. And it’s not fair that I have to do that because you don’t even apologize. Even if you didn’t think you were in the wrong, you clearly hurt me and that should be reason enough to apologize. 

I’ll never forgive you for that. 

I’ve been dying to wear my rainboots.

Is dumb. Most of the time I like it actually, I like being here. But right now, I’m not exactly feeling it. Lansing sounds pretty good right about now. And that’s a sad thing to say…